Monday, December 29, 2014

Serious Scientific Research: My Toilet Paper Survey

I went to the post office and received my highly classified package. Don’t tell anybody, this will be our little secret. You see, it involves very critical scientific research that has the potential to change the world as we know it. We obviously wouldn’t want this information to fall into the wrong hands.

I'm participating in a toilet tissue survey. I got free sample rolls and I will be given a survey when I'm done trying them out. Truly, this is a tremendous weight of responsibility to have thrust so unexpectedly upon me, but I can’t help but feel that in many ways, life has prepared me for this one moment of truth.

After all, they are placing quite a bit of trust in me. I received 6 free rolls of toilet tissue. That’s at least a few dollars retail. Not to mention the shipping and handling. Then they hope that I will try it and then give them my honest opinion on it afterwards.

However, there are no guarantees that I will do what they want me to do with the toilet tissue. We all know the intended purpose. But who is to say that I don’t use it to wipe my nose? What if I use it to clear the morning crust from the corner of my eye? What if I go out and buy a hamster at the local pet store and use the toilet tissue for the hamster to make a nest of? I could use it to wipe coffee from the kitchen counter top. The list of potential, unintended uses is endless, really.

I will not, however, let the fact that I know that I have them at my mercy affect my self image. After all, I could become arrogant by thinking that my opinion is superior to everyone else’s. You know, since I was one of the chosen few. Then I could say: “I’ll get around to using it. Don’t rush me! Let me have a couple of cups of coffee and a bran muffin. I want to do this thing right!”

Of course I could also be a prima donna about it too. I could refuse to use it until the toilet seat reaches a certain temperature. But that would be childish and I’d like to think I’m above that sort of thing; at least just slightly above that.

Then it also has me wondering if I should try it out in a variety of environments. Like out in the woods behind a tree, in a poorly lit public restroom or in a squalid bus terminal. I mean, you have to wonder if environmental factors will play a roll in its effectiveness. Oh, I meant role. That was pretty funny wasn’t it?  No pun intended.

But seriously folks: I really enjoy participating in such critical scientific research. I am sort of a pioneer venturing into new territory. Not like Lewis and Clark, mind you. They probably had to use leaves, anyway. Just think about the advancements that will be made. The way it will add to the quality of life of everyone throughout the world.

I guess that’s where the true reward is. Just knowing how much I contributed to society, the world, oh what the hell, mankind too! No, I will not take this responsibility lightly. I will take it with the seriousness it was intended. Yes, I will do my civic duty and fulfill my responsibilities!

Okay, maybe it isn’t such a big deal to participate in a study on toilet tissue. But when you’re bored and have nothing more interesting going on in your life, you have to exaggerate about the few uninteresting things that do happen.

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