Funny Thoughts on Government Intrusion - The Fruit Czar

It seems to me as if most members of congress actually think that they know what is best for every citizen; like we are entirely too stupid to think for ourselves or to run our own lives. Maybe they’re right. Let’s assume that they are because they would certainly not think that way out of arrogance. So running with that assumption, let’s play a little game called: what would my government do?

I was walking through the fruit aisle at the supermarket and was wondering if I should buy a bag of apples, bag of oranges or a bag with an assortment of both. What would my government do? I guess the first step would be to appoint a Fruit Czar. Sure it would cost billions in bureaucracy and red tape, but we have to be sure that the right decision is made.

Now where could we get someone to appoint to such a position as a Fruit Czar? For starters, the person would have to be somewhat of an elitist. Someone who presumes to know what’s best for everyone, even in areas he knows little about. But there has to be more qualifications than just that. I know! He would need ties to some special interest group. You have got to have connections to make it in politics today. How about the United Pear Pluckers Union? You have your special interest group covered and since they only know pears, they are perfect for telling you how to decide between apples and oranges because it’s something they know nothing about.

Of course to appoint someone to a position like that, you need to find a way to justify it to the people. So now you have to convince everyone that apples and oranges need to be regulated. Of course there would be nobody more suited to do that than those representing the often overlooked pear. After all, with apples and oranges receiving so much preferential treatment throughout the years, we need to enact some form of social justice.

So now a former representative of the United Pear Pluckers Union oversees and regulates the sale of apples and oranges; his former competitors. He now administers all of this through an agency. The bureau of fruity affairs. Or maybe the Federal Bureau of Nuts and Fruits.

Naturally I must now call them and asked them what to do. Not out of curiosity but because it is now a requirement. The person on the other end of the line answers and of course has to stop eating the apple she has stuffed in her mouth in order to talk to me. You see, even though they want to limit the consumption of apples and oranges of the average citizen, they don’t think that the same rules should apply to them. Obviously a rare phenomenon in government.

After giving all of my personal information away that will be entered into a laptop someone will eventually steal and get my social security number from, they give me the approval for one bag of apples. No oranges today. I say “what’s the difference?” But I guess that’s like comparing apples to oranges and I hear quite often that generally, as a rule, you shouldn’t do that. So I am given an authorization number that I am supposed to give to the person at the counter that will be entered into a computer for verification.

I get to the front of the line and pay $5.99 for the bag of apples and a minor fee of $20 to cover the various administrative costs, which happen to increase at 3 times the rate of inflation.  So I put it on my credit card. It’s no problem because the government knows what’s best for me and they say that I should spend as much money as I can to stimulate the economy; even if I have to go into debt to do it. The government will print up more money anyway, so I’ll get it back. That is how it works, right?

Sure it was a bit of an inconvenience and sure it costs much more than it would have had the government not been involved, but I know with absolute certainty that I made the right decision; simply because it was made for me by someone who presumes to know what’s best for me. And if what’s best for me is to pay much more for something, with it taking longer for me to get, while jumping through numerous hoops to get it, then I must feel obligated to do my part and just conform to the will of the government. After all, they know what’s best.