Do Zombies Poop?

Okay, I was talking to my little niece and the subject of zombies somehow came up. She asked me “Do zombies poop?” I didn't have an answer. Technically, if someone eats they eventually gotta go. But zombies aren't like your average folk.

First of all, a zombie is supposed to be dead, right? So why would it even need to eat? Then they somehow have a craving for live people. I mean, you never see a zombie eating a road kill. No, that would be too convenient because they wouldn't have to kill any people and they would basically be cleaning up the roadways.

Also, zombies go around saying “brains” because I guess it's some kind of delicacy to them yet they eat pretty much any part of the person they kill or attack. And another thing, how can they even see when their eyes are rotting out of their head? I have to wear reading glasses and have some vision problems and I'm pretty much alive for the most part.

Okay, so now the zombie eats. How does he even digest anything? Seriously. I would think that a dead person might have some problems digesting things. Besides, how many times have you seen a zombie with its intestines and other organs hanging out? That has to interfere with proper digestion. I get indigestion if I eat certain foods and my intestinal tract is fully intact. And how come a zombie never gets heartburn when they eat just about anything?

How are zombies able to walk or move? Their brains are rotting. How does a decomposing brain send a signal to a body part to get it to move? And the funny thing is, you have to poke it in the brain to kill it! Ya gotta be kidding me.

So, in conclusion, since none of it makes any sense anyway and zombies do eat and it's gotta go somewhere, I would have to deduce that, yes, zombies probably do poop. They are just very discrete about it.

Photo Credit: "The Quacking Dead" by Bob Craypoe, also known as R. L. Crepeau

Serious Scientific Research: My Toilet Paper Survey

I went to the post office and received my highly classified package. Don’t tell anybody, this will be our little secret. You see, it involves very critical scientific research that has the potential to change the world as we know it. We obviously wouldn’t want this information to fall into the wrong hands.

I'm participating in a toilet tissue survey. I got free sample rolls and I will be given a survey when I'm done trying them out. Truly, this is a tremendous weight of responsibility to have thrust so unexpectedly upon me, but I can’t help but feel that in many ways, life has prepared me for this one moment of truth.

After all, they are placing quite a bit of trust in me. I received 6 free rolls of toilet tissue. That’s at least a few dollars retail. Not to mention the shipping and handling. Then they hope that I will try it and then give them my honest opinion on it afterwards.

However, there are no guarantees that I will do what they want me to do with the toilet tissue. We all know the intended purpose. But who is to say that I don’t use it to wipe my nose? What if I use it to clear the morning crust from the corner of my eye? What if I go out and buy a hamster at the local pet store and use the toilet tissue for the hamster to make a nest of? I could use it to wipe coffee from the kitchen counter top. The list of potential, unintended uses is endless, really.

I will not, however, let the fact that I know that I have them at my mercy affect my self image. After all, I could become arrogant by thinking that my opinion is superior to everyone else’s. You know, since I was one of the chosen few. Then I could say: “I’ll get around to using it. Don’t rush me! Let me have a couple of cups of coffee and a bran muffin. I want to do this thing right!”

Of course I could also be a prima donna about it too. I could refuse to use it until the toilet seat reaches a certain temperature. But that would be childish and I’d like to think I’m above that sort of thing; at least just slightly above that.

Then it also has me wondering if I should try it out in a variety of environments. Like out in the woods behind a tree, in a poorly lit public restroom or in a squalid bus terminal. I mean, you have to wonder if environmental factors will play a roll in its effectiveness. Oh, I meant role. That was pretty funny wasn’t it?  No pun intended.

But seriously folks: I really enjoy participating in such critical scientific research. I am sort of a pioneer venturing into new territory. Not like Lewis and Clark, mind you. They probably had to use leaves, anyway. Just think about the advancements that will be made. The way it will add to the quality of life of everyone throughout the world.

I guess that’s where the true reward is. Just knowing how much I contributed to society, the world, oh what the hell, mankind too! No, I will not take this responsibility lightly. I will take it with the seriousness it was intended. Yes, I will do my civic duty and fulfill my responsibilities!

Okay, maybe it isn’t such a big deal to participate in a study on toilet tissue. But when you’re bored and have nothing more interesting going on in your life, you have to exaggerate about the few uninteresting things that do happen.

Supersize Me Just for Spite!

It seems I can't read a newspaper or watch a news program on TV anymore without any mention of how some local governments want to put restrictions on fast food restaurants because their food isn't exactly the most healthy food to eat. They are even branching out further now by attempting to put restrictions on other restaurants. It's almost getting to the point where you want to say “Supersize me!”, just for spite.

First off, San Francisco wants to ban toys from Happy Meals because it supposedly encourages kids to want to eat an unhealthy meal. Well, it's not the kids who are paying for the meals. It's their parents that are picking up the tab. Mom or Dad don't necessarily have to take the kids to McDonalds or Burger King. Yet, for some reason they do. One reason is that it's quick. If the parents have a busy schedule, they might stop off at a fast food place to pick up a meal real quick and then drive off to that place they seem to be in such a hurry to get to. Sometimes they just don't feel like preparing a meal at home. Sometimes they stop off at a fast food place due to their own laziness.

Oh, and if you think taking a toy out of a happy meal is really going to achieve anything but make a fat kid slightly less happy, you're living in a dream world. They have shakes, fries, burgers, chicken nuggets and other yummy things at these places. How many times would a kid turn down ice cream if offered some? It just isn't in their nature. Isn't a vanilla shake just as yummy as ice cream? Then throw in some fries and a burger and you got yourself a real treat. They may not have a toy to play with in order to pass the time but they can still engage in one of America's great pastimes. You know, the great American pastime called gluttony!

Now, do you really think people go to McDonalds, Burger King or Kentucky Fried Chicken to eat a healthy meal? They go there because it tastes good and it's fast. How many drive-throughs do you see that offer healthy foods? Yeah, I want my organic celery fast! Hey, throw in that head of lettuce too, who needs greasy old fries? Give me some carrot sticks. How about a spinach smoothie? Yummy.

Now there is a big campaign against salt. Apparently many restaurants have a tendency to overuse it. This is not healthy. However, not everybody eats at fast food places every day. So an occasional stop at one of those places isn't too bad. It's the people who stop there several times a week that seem to have a problem. You can close down every fast food place in operation and those people will just buy junk food at the grocery store. Oh, what an inconvenience that is to have to microwave a frozen White Castle burger purchased from a grocery store as opposed to stopping off at a White Castle to get one someone microwaves for you. Yes, they do have White castle burgers in the frozen food section and they are quite scrumptious, I assure you.

Oh, so now we have to cut out the salt or fat content in the frozen foods you can purchase at the grocery store. So where exactly does this all end? My point is (and there is a point here) that you can do just so much to protect people from themselves. Stupid people will always do stupid things. Irresponsible people will always do irresponsible things. You can't legislate common sense. Everybody should realize that there is a price to pay for unhealthy living. Eating a lot of fattening foods overly salty or sugar-filled treats on a daily basis is just not healthy. Don't we all already know this?

If we all already know these things, why do we still eat like slop-hogs at a trough? Well, I would suspect that there are a number of reasons. Lack of self control, laziness, a self-destructive personality, depression, any number of things really. Can legislation make someone happier to the point where they won't go on a wild junk food binge? Can you legislate that someone not get depressed and try to comfort themselves with a big bowl of ice cream? I think not.

My point is that people are going to eat unhealthy no matter what the government legislates. So what exactly is the point in making things more difficult for those who only have a Whopper every now and then? It's ridiculous. I say “Supersize me” just for spite!

Funny Thoughts on Government Intrusion - The Fruit Czar

It seems to me as if most members of congress actually think that they know what is best for every citizen; like we are entirely too stupid to think for ourselves or to run our own lives. Maybe they’re right. Let’s assume that they are because they would certainly not think that way out of arrogance. So running with that assumption, let’s play a little game called: what would my government do?

I was walking through the fruit aisle at the supermarket and was wondering if I should buy a bag of apples, bag of oranges or a bag with an assortment of both. What would my government do? I guess the first step would be to appoint a Fruit Czar. Sure it would cost billions in bureaucracy and red tape, but we have to be sure that the right decision is made.

Now where could we get someone to appoint to such a position as a Fruit Czar? For starters, the person would have to be somewhat of an elitist. Someone who presumes to know what’s best for everyone, even in areas he knows little about. But there has to be more qualifications than just that. I know! He would need ties to some special interest group. You have got to have connections to make it in politics today. How about the United Pear Pluckers Union? You have your special interest group covered and since they only know pears, they are perfect for telling you how to decide between apples and oranges because it’s something they know nothing about.

Of course to appoint someone to a position like that, you need to find a way to justify it to the people. So now you have to convince everyone that apples and oranges need to be regulated. Of course there would be nobody more suited to do that than those representing the often overlooked pear. After all, with apples and oranges receiving so much preferential treatment throughout the years, we need to enact some form of social justice.

So now a former representative of the United Pear Pluckers Union oversees and regulates the sale of apples and oranges; his former competitors. He now administers all of this through an agency. The bureau of fruity affairs. Or maybe the Federal Bureau of Nuts and Fruits.

Naturally I must now call them and asked them what to do. Not out of curiosity but because it is now a requirement. The person on the other end of the line answers and of course has to stop eating the apple she has stuffed in her mouth in order to talk to me. You see, even though they want to limit the consumption of apples and oranges of the average citizen, they don’t think that the same rules should apply to them. Obviously a rare phenomenon in government.

After giving all of my personal information away that will be entered into a laptop someone will eventually steal and get my social security number from, they give me the approval for one bag of apples. No oranges today. I say “what’s the difference?” But I guess that’s like comparing apples to oranges and I hear quite often that generally, as a rule, you shouldn’t do that. So I am given an authorization number that I am supposed to give to the person at the counter that will be entered into a computer for verification.

I get to the front of the line and pay $5.99 for the bag of apples and a minor fee of $20 to cover the various administrative costs, which happen to increase at 3 times the rate of inflation.  So I put it on my credit card. It’s no problem because the government knows what’s best for me and they say that I should spend as much money as I can to stimulate the economy; even if I have to go into debt to do it. The government will print up more money anyway, so I’ll get it back. That is how it works, right?

Sure it was a bit of an inconvenience and sure it costs much more than it would have had the government not been involved, but I know with absolute certainty that I made the right decision; simply because it was made for me by someone who presumes to know what’s best for me. And if what’s best for me is to pay much more for something, with it taking longer for me to get, while jumping through numerous hoops to get it, then I must feel obligated to do my part and just conform to the will of the government. After all, they know what’s best.

Meet My New Online Friend Who Really Loves Me

There are a lot of online scams and many use the same tactics. Here I am having a little fun with one.

FIRST, HER E-MAIL:

"My name is Cindy, I am 30 years Old,I am Single (five years ago), black hair, Gray eyes, My height is 5 feet,7 inches. I weigh 58kg, Long Hair and a healthy Lady. I am self-sufficient, Beautiful, happy aware, emotionally and financially secure and I am a Student and I am Studying Accounting, And I have Loss My Mum and My Dad and I am Now Living with My Grand mum and My Uncle, And I am a Ghanaian By Birth, my Father is a Ghanaian and my mother is From Australia..i have been In Ghana all My life I am a Hard working lady and very friendly. I have no Kids and Never Married.."

NOW FOR MY RESPONSE:

"Let me guess:

Your parents died in a car accident and your grandmother is about to become deathly ill and in dire need of an operation you don't have enough money to pay for. However payments to assist you may be sent through Western Union. Now where have I heard that one before? I know, the Internet! Like about a million times! At least come up with something new. Use some damn creativity. Here's a good story to try:

Hi (fill in name), I'm single, looking for that special someone. I live in Ghana, a pitiful country in Africa, usually referred to as the armpit of the world. I look nothing like the picture I sent. In fact, I am a fat, slobby, pimple-faced mess with a hairy butt and back. I really think you're cute, though, and I'm not just saying that because I want your money. Which I do but it's too soon to hit you up just yet!

What kind of music do you like? I like anything I can shake my nasty butt to and blah blah blah, fill in the blanks, etc.

Oh no! Grandma's spleen just ruptured. Don't you hate when that happens? Gosh, what a sloppy mess! Better get the mop! Gee whiz, I wonder if I should take her to the hospital! Yeah, I probably should, I'll chat with you later! Love ya! Bye!

LATER:

Hi, I'm back. Oh, by the way, have I told you that I'm insanely in love with you? I know this is sudden but you are such a hunky stud muffin that I just can't help myself. In fact, every time I think about you I touch myself. But I have some bad news .... (Dramatic Pause)

As it turned out, it was grandma's spleen that burst. Her kidneys are failing too. Yeah, that's it, her kidneys. Those are those things in your lower back, right? Anyway, the doctor says that she needs an operation immediately. Like, as soon as you can send me some cash. Did I mention that I love you?

What? You won't send me the money? But grandma is on life support! Don't you love me? Don't you touch yourself when you think about me? No? Okay then. Don't feel bad. I'll figure out some way to pay for it. I'll find some idiot, I mean, someone else who has money and is gullible enough to send it. Don't worry, I still love you. Bye .......... Hi! It's me again! Have you changed your mind yet?"

Sasquatch and Roll! Return of the Yeti Tour

I just had a Sasquatch sighting. You know, Bigfoot! Actually, he's a very personable fellow. I bump into him every now and then when I go for a walk in the woods. I like to talk to him about certain things. He's a very good conversationalist, I might add. Very well read. He has really gotten a bad rap over the years. People calling him the missing link and all that. He's really sensitive when it comes to that. Sometimes people just say the most hurtful things.

A lot of people aren't aware of the fact that Sasquatch is also a musician. Let me tell you something, that Sasquatch can play a mean guitar. No exaggeration whatsoever. When I saw him play, I knew I had to get him out there up on stage in front of people again. You see,  he used to play out years ago but he kind of became self conscious of the people pointing at him and saying "Look at the big guitar playing ape!" and other hurtful things like that. But after years of therapy, he has finally overcome his insecurities.

Anyway, it is official. I, Dr Psychotic, will be serving as the booking agent for Sasquatch. It was suggested by one of my henchmen and I thought it would be a great way to supplement my income. So I asked Sasquatch if he was interested and he said yes. 

Since it has been a while since Sasquatch has performed live, we have decided to call it the Return of the Yeti tour. We have not settled on the dates yet but we are in the process of rehearsals. I have to admit, he sounds pretty damn good. He also does some great lead vocals as well. He is a natural. Anyway, I have to talk to him about a couple of things, Sasquatch doesn't have all night. He wants to get home after practice and spend a little quality time with the wife, Mildred and son LittleFoot. 

Woe is Me Episode 1

We now begin with the daily adventures of the Bodine family, everybody's favorite poor Appalachian family. The adventures are as written by little Timmy Jimmy Bodine.

Maw went down to the crik to do the warsh. It is hard doin' the warsh in the winter. The water in the crik gets so cold and maw has the arthuritis. I only has two pair of pants and one with a big ole hole in the crotch and sometimes my unmentionables be hangin' out. kinda embrrassin' it be. It ain't easy bein' poor. Paw needs new dentures a-cuz his last set of choppers just fell in the toilet in the outhouse cuz he sneezed. Now he has to mash stuff up into a mush sose he can eat.

My brother needs some new shews too. We is keepin' the soles on wit duck tape and the duck tape is wearin' out. It is tough in the winter when the soles of your shews are flappin' around and it makes a lot of noise when you is huntin' fer possum. It scares the possums away. Grandmas is a bit cranky cuz she ran out of chewin' tobacky and she tries to substitute it wit other stuff from the woods. Last summer she ran out too and was stuffin' weeds in her mouth to satisfy her chewin' urges but the weeds turned out to be poison ivy. Her tongue swelled all up and we couldn't understand what she be sayin' 'till the swellin' went down.

It sure is hard bein' poor. Oh, woe is me.

To Be Continued ...... 

Nutty News Volume 1

A Texas man found a severed human finger in his chili when he went to eat at a nearby fast food restaurant. He knew that there was something about the chili that did not seem to taste right but he just could not quite put a finger on it. He used to have a bad habit of biting his fingernails but has since quit since he caught himself biting someone else's fingernail. They had to shut down the restaurant pending further investigation. Local authorities were concerned that things might get out of hand.

A California man was caught on video urinating into the coffee pot in the company's break room to get even with some co-workers he did not like. He has since been terminated and has not been able to find a job. He has also fallen on hard times and now lives in the street. Now the poor guy doesn't have so much as a pot to p**s in.

That concludes this edition of Nutty News. Until next time.